Is the Journey Over?

I know I said I would update more often, but there hasn't been much to update.  The medications are not working and Clomid started to negatively affect me.  It started to cause me to have vision issues and I am still actually dealing with this to some extent.  Last night I flushed 40 Clomid pills and 15 Estradiol pills down the toilet.  I am done with them.  Since I started taking these medications, I have not been the same.  I am an emotional wreck.  I feel like a psycho.  I am pushing people away...John, my friends, and my family.  I have pushed myself away.  They say that if these medications don't work within 6 months, then they probably won't and I believe it.  I also found out that women with PCOS that have insulin resistance, usually are also Clomid resistant.  Unfortunately, I have the type of PCOS that does include insulin resistance.  I feel like this has all been a waste of time and a waste of life.  For 6 months, I have not felt like me and have treated the people I love differently.  I do not keep in touch like I used to and I have felt withdrawn.  I have become overly self conscious and untrusting of others.  When I weighed 200 pounds I was not self conscious at all, so why now?  How come even after losing 40-50 pounds my insulin resistance has gotten worse?  I cannot go on like this, so I have decided this is it.  I have not decided whether or not I will stop the Prometrium or not and I cannot stop the Metformin or I can become really sick.  There is so much on my mind and the last couple months, and especially the last couple of weeks have been very rough. 

On August 16, I see my Dr.  I am going to tell him how I feel and see what my options are, our options, this involves John as well.  I think it may be smart to try Ovarian Drilling.  They go in and destroy portions of the ovaries and 80% of the time, normal function is restored.  Surgery scares the shit out of me, but what do I have to lose at this point?  The odds of the drilling are better than the odds of Clomid anyway.  At that point, they will probably do the HSG test and Laproscopy, too.  I have a lot to think about.