Is the Journey Over?

I know I said I would update more often, but there hasn't been much to update.  The medications are not working and Clomid started to negatively affect me.  It started to cause me to have vision issues and I am still actually dealing with this to some extent.  Last night I flushed 40 Clomid pills and 15 Estradiol pills down the toilet.  I am done with them.  Since I started taking these medications, I have not been the same.  I am an emotional wreck.  I feel like a psycho.  I am pushing people away...John, my friends, and my family.  I have pushed myself away.  They say that if these medications don't work within 6 months, then they probably won't and I believe it.  I also found out that women with PCOS that have insulin resistance, usually are also Clomid resistant.  Unfortunately, I have the type of PCOS that does include insulin resistance.  I feel like this has all been a waste of time and a waste of life.  For 6 months, I have not felt like me and have treated the people I love differently.  I do not keep in touch like I used to and I have felt withdrawn.  I have become overly self conscious and untrusting of others.  When I weighed 200 pounds I was not self conscious at all, so why now?  How come even after losing 40-50 pounds my insulin resistance has gotten worse?  I cannot go on like this, so I have decided this is it.  I have not decided whether or not I will stop the Prometrium or not and I cannot stop the Metformin or I can become really sick.  There is so much on my mind and the last couple months, and especially the last couple of weeks have been very rough. 

On August 16, I see my Dr.  I am going to tell him how I feel and see what my options are, our options, this involves John as well.  I think it may be smart to try Ovarian Drilling.  They go in and destroy portions of the ovaries and 80% of the time, normal function is restored.  Surgery scares the shit out of me, but what do I have to lose at this point?  The odds of the drilling are better than the odds of Clomid anyway.  At that point, they will probably do the HSG test and Laproscopy, too.  I have a lot to think about. 

It's been about 3 months...

I haven't updated in awhile because there really hasn't been much progress.  The meds are failing me and I'm sick of it.  I don't have many more chances at this.  I had decided to skip this month, but something told me not to.  I had told some people I was skipping, but when I decided not to, I figured I would wait to see what happened to tell them what my final decision was.  This month my clomid was increased to 100mg.  I did 50mg last month and 25mg the month before.  The mediciation are taking their toll mentally and physically.  I am terrified to do any injectables and I am terrified of failure at this.  Why me?!  I am so damn sick of everything saying that it will happen blah blah fucking blah.  Stop trying to make me feel better and look at the reality here.  About 90% of you have no idea because you don't have this issue.  I suggest some to do research, read a book.  Actually, I read a book recently that is good for the "infertile" and the "infertles" friends and family, "Every Drunken Cheerleader...Why not me?"  The author, Kristine Ireland Waits, addresses the ones going through the issue and the friend who may be reading. 

Anothing thing I am sick of is people suggesting I lose more weight.  Really?  I have lost 50 pounds, women who weigh 200 pounds more than me have no issues, so guess what, that's a sad excuse.  Sure, I should lose more weight, many people should, but that's freaking stupid to tell me that.  It is important to be healthy!  I have actually been losing weight, about 1-2 pounds every week, which is healthy.  The meds are making my weight fluctuate like crazy!  I will lose 5 pounds one week and gain 15 pounds the next!  It is intense.  Yes, I am angry.  This is absolutely ridiculous!  I am sick of people telling me it's not my time.  How do you know?  Why is it your time? Some people I see are awful parents, so why them?  At this point, I don't even care if I end up pregnant, can I just ovulate for God's sake?  Can I feel normal?  I puke at random as moments because of these meds and I get hot flashes and I am moody as can be.  I am beginning to wonder if this is even worth it.  I feel like I am ruining my body.  I hate PCOS, it really has ruined my life in some aspects.  I really don't want pity, but I am throwing out my real feelings...no more sugar coating.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I have PCOS or because I am angry.  Everyone deserves to be angry and everyone deserves a vent, which this is my vent!  I could go see an RE, but they're going to contine what Dr Crawford is doing, which by the way, is still a WONDERFUL Dr.  He does try his best and he has the best bed side manner I have ever witnessed.  I also don't want to drive 89.6 miles from my house to see an RE and make even numerous trips a week there.  I don't have the damn time for that.  This area sucks for things like that. 

As for a current status, I am on cycle day 21 and have been extremely crampy since last night...not to mention super moody.  I have been taking my basal body temp and my chart this month has been the best....well some has been guestimated because I forgot my thermometer on vaction, but my temp is still elevated above baseline.  I really don't think it means anything, because it was similar last month.  I haven't developed a cyst this month, yet.  That's a good thing.  Usually by CD 19, I feel a cyst leaking.  I just feel bad for women that undergo much more intense treatments than I do and have no success.  How awful!  It's just not right.  I know quiet a few women who have lost babies lately, and it makes my heart ache for them.  Some have multiple angel babies!  I shouldn't be complaining, but like I said, I deserve to vent.  I will be sure to update more often.     

Yuck and Happy National Infertility Awareness Week!

So, most of you know that the last time I took Clomid, I did not tolerate it well.  I started it yesterday and my stomach is not happy.  This sucks.  I'm only on half of the dose I was before and in most cases, it doesn't work until after a few cycles and not until between 100-200mg.  I have to try it though, because we have to use this step to go on to the next ones.  I did my progesterone and it helped me, but I had a really weird, emotional 2 weeks.  I wonder if I made the progesterone I am supposed to, if I would be like that all the time?  Or, maybe my body isn't used to it?  It also made me very hungry...I didn't like that much.  Not much else has been going on.  I had some PCOS labs taken on
Friday, but chances are I won't know anything until I go back at then end of May.  I am hoping my chloesterol has dropped a little and my other hormones have evened out a little from last time. 

Happy National Infertility Awareness Week!
Educate yourself!  Not only for awareness, but it could help you learn to support a family member or friend better!  It is okay to talk about infertility and it is okay if you have these issues yourself.  Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not your fault. It can be very hard to deal with, so the best thing you can do is just educate yourself and be a better person for it!

Another Recheck

This morning I went back to Dr Crawford. My labs were not too bad, but my LH and FSH are still bad, but better. He said on top of PCOS, I definitley do have Luteal Phase Defect. John got his tests back, and he is just fine. I have been taking progesterone for 3 days now. I am to take it days 17-30. I get more labs done in about 10 days and then next cycle I am to take half of a Clomid tablet days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and then Progesterone days 17-30 again. I go back in 6 weeks and then we will go from there and see what happens. I've been really feeling good with the progesterone! That is all for now.

3 week re-check

Today I went to see Dr Crawford for a 3 week check up from the last time. I do not have "classic" PCOS, but I do have it and though I may not be full of cysts, it has worsened. My ultrasound was fine and my uterus and ovaries look great! No cysts this time, but they can always come back at anytime. Dr Crawford looked at my charting I did this month in my cycle and he said that just by that, I am not ovulating. He also pulled my labs from that dumb Dr I first saw when I got here, the one who said I ovulated. He showed them to me and explained it. He said there is no way I ovulated. I knew that and I knew she was an idiot. He told me some ratio between my FSH and LH hormones and what it should be. Mine was WAY off! I don't remember the ratio, but I know he said my percentage should be 1.5% and mine was 14.52% (this was worse than 1 year ago. nobody ever explained it, but I do have copies of my labs), whoa! BUT my insulin was fantastic, however, PCOS is starting to take a toll on my cholesterol and it is high. He said it is normal for PCOS paitents to have high chloesterol. I just can't figure out that when I weighed 200 pounds, I had low cholesterol and now 50 pounds lighter, I have high chloesterol. FUCKING PCOS! Also, he has increased my Metformin to 1000mg 2x daily, from the 850mg 2x daily that I've been on for well over a year. He said by my labs in Oct, that should have been done, so we are taking care of that now. This is the big news (to me at least) I AM GETTING PROGESTERONE FINALLY! He prescribed me Prometrium 200mg! He said I need it bad and if we ever want a baby, I am going to need to be on it. This could literally change a lot of the hormonal shit I have been dealing with for a long time and I am so happy that this may change. I can't start it for like a month though. I am instructed to take it cycle days 17-30. I have blood work on Tuesday and then blood work in 30 days. I see him again on April 10th and we will do Clomid at 100mg at that time. He wants me on the Metformin 1000mg and Prometrium for 1 months before we start that. He sounds very confident. He is going to put off the Ovarian Diathermy procedure for now. If Clomid at 100mg doesn't work, then it will be raised in 50mg increments. I have already done 50g this summer and it didn't do shit, which part of that could be because I needed progesterone. So small steps, but in my mind they are big steps. I think if we were still in KY, I wouldn't be getting the help I need. Dr Crawford knows his shit. So even if all I do is feel better with these treatments, I will be happy.

Going somewhere finally?

I think finally I will be getting the answers I have been looking for. I saw my new OBGYN, Dr Crawford, yesterday. He is awesome. He has over 30 years of experience and is eager to help me out. Once again, I have more bloodwork and another ultrasound, but then we will begin this process. This is going to be a long, stressful road. Dr Crawford think I need my ovaries drilled, AKA Ovarian Diathermy. In a nutshell, this destroys part of the ovaries and then they CAN restore normal ovulation function. This works 80% of the time for ovulation, 50% for pregnancy. I am a good candidate because I have lost a fair amount of weight and have tried medication and still have no luck. We will talk more in depth about this at my next appointment in 3 weeks, but I think we are going to go for it. I have nothing to lose and it could be the answer. We are also going to start a schedule. I am charting everything that happens during my cycle and after this cycle and after all the tests come back, we will start medication. We will start with probably 100mg of Clomid (yuck) and 200mg of Prometrium. (Remember when my old Dr in KY said only an RE could prescribe progesterone? She was wrong.) Dr Crawford has had a good success rate with these medications, so I trust him. I hated Clomid at 50 mg, but he said he can give me medication to offset the side effects. This Dr was so positive and just had an awesome outlook! I started to feel hopeless and negative, but I think once we get moving on this, I will become positive again. I am nervous about the Diathermy, but depending on how much needs to be done, recovery is easy. Dr Crawford suggested that I probably also have Luteal Phase Defect (Also, remember my OBGYN in KY said it is nearly impossible to diagnose this? Wrong again.) and maybe Endometriosis. I don't think I have Endo because I have had so many ultrasounds done and the lining of my uterus is always within normal range. When I get the Diathermy done, they will also take a piece of the uterus to get an accurate check. This could be why I always am having pain, on top of my cyst pain.

So that is basically it for now, but this is BIG news! I think it's the most news we have had in a long time! I really hope this is going somewhere! It is time!

new dr update

i got to see my new primary care physician yesterday and she rocks. she got all my meds set up right and knows about pcos. she is happy with the choice ive made with my obgyn, who i see the sixteenth. but i have a nasy sinus infection. i went to urgent care a week ago and had been feeling better, but after julie, my dr, looked into my nose and ears she was shocked. she said my nose looked like raw steak and my ears were inflammed and had fluid still. so two more weeks of antibiotics. on to the pcos, something is not right. i am thinking its getting worse. for about two weeks, every day i have pain. the pain usually sticks to the right ovary, but my left one hurts too. my body also feels like someone rubbed icy hot all over it. damn hormones. im anxious to see my new obgyn, dr crawford, next week. i have heard fabulous things about him and hopefully will have good news. oh i also saw my behavior health dr, dr littel, and he is awesome too. he is totally on board with my taper method off my anxiety meds, yay.

hmph...

well since my last update, i have decided to longer be seen at dr beanes office. i like dr beane, but i do not care for kathy, the nurse practitioner i have had to see the past several times. to be quite frank, she is a quite a bitch. on top of that, the front office staff is not friendly and neither are most of the nurses. now dr beane, the physician assistant caleb and the referral nurse are nice, but its not enough to make me stay. long story short, kathy made me feel like i was insane, deluisional, and about an inch tall. she made me feel like i had no idea wtf i was talking about. anyway...i will be seeing a behavioral health dr feb w to try to get my anxiety in check and i see a different obgyn than i was supposed to...dr crawford at lowville regional medical center. i decided not to go to dr ginyard at womens way to wellness. i just have not heard one good thing about them. so that is where medical stuff stands now. as for my cysts, they hurt pretty bad at the moment...both sides. yuck. maybe here shortly we will have more answers, i really hope at least. i see dr crawford on feb sixteenth. wish me luck.

Nothing New

Well, I don't really have any new updates with my condition. I have switched my insurance and I am hoping that things are a little earier now. I see my PCM tomorrow, not sure what will happen. I am supposed to see an OBGYN on the 19th, but I am terrified to go there because I have not heard one good thing about her or their office. I think I am going to make an appt somewhere else probably. I am still tapering off Klonopin. Slowly, but surely. It is a tough road at times, but I will succeed. My cysts have been giving me some trouble lately, but that's about it. We are at a standstill right now, so that is why I haven't put an update up in over a month. I hope everyone is well and hope to have some sort of update soon! If anyone would be interesed in guest blogging about their experiences with PCOS or infertility, whether personal or just seeing someone else go through it, please feel free to let me know! I would like some guest bloggers!