I haven't updated in awhile because there really hasn't been much progress. The meds are failing me and I'm sick of it. I don't have many more chances at this. I had decided to skip this month, but something told me not to. I had told some people I was skipping, but when I decided not to, I figured I would wait to see what happened to tell them what my final decision was. This month my clomid was increased to 100mg. I did 50mg last month and 25mg the month before. The mediciation are taking their toll mentally and physically. I am terrified to do any injectables and I am terrified of failure at this. Why me?! I am so damn sick of everything saying that it will happen blah blah fucking blah. Stop trying to make me feel better and look at the reality here. About 90% of you have no idea because you don't have this issue. I suggest some to do research, read a book. Actually, I read a book recently that is good for the "infertile" and the "infertles" friends and family, "Every Drunken Cheerleader...Why not me?" The author, Kristine Ireland Waits, addresses the ones going through the issue and the friend who may be reading.
Anothing thing I am sick of is people suggesting I lose more weight. Really? I have lost 50 pounds, women who weigh 200 pounds more than me have no issues, so guess what, that's a sad excuse. Sure, I should lose more weight, many people should, but that's freaking stupid to tell me that. It is important to be healthy! I have actually been losing weight, about 1-2 pounds every week, which is healthy. The meds are making my weight fluctuate like crazy! I will lose 5 pounds one week and gain 15 pounds the next! It is intense. Yes, I am angry. This is absolutely ridiculous! I am sick of people telling me it's not my time. How do you know? Why is it your time? Some people I see are awful parents, so why them? At this point, I don't even care if I end up pregnant, can I just ovulate for God's sake? Can I feel normal? I puke at random as moments because of these meds and I get hot flashes and I am moody as can be. I am beginning to wonder if this is even worth it. I feel like I am ruining my body. I hate PCOS, it really has ruined my life in some aspects. I really don't want pity, but I am throwing out my real feelings...no more sugar coating. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I have PCOS or because I am angry. Everyone deserves to be angry and everyone deserves a vent, which this is my vent! I could go see an RE, but they're going to contine what Dr Crawford is doing, which by the way, is still a WONDERFUL Dr. He does try his best and he has the best bed side manner I have ever witnessed. I also don't want to drive 89.6 miles from my house to see an RE and make even numerous trips a week there. I don't have the damn time for that. This area sucks for things like that.
As for a current status, I am on cycle day 21 and have been extremely crampy since last night...not to mention super moody. I have been taking my basal body temp and my chart this month has been the best....well some has been guestimated because I forgot my thermometer on vaction, but my temp is still elevated above baseline. I really don't think it means anything, because it was similar last month. I haven't developed a cyst this month, yet. That's a good thing. Usually by CD 19, I feel a cyst leaking. I just feel bad for women that undergo much more intense treatments than I do and have no success. How awful! It's just not right. I know quiet a few women who have lost babies lately, and it makes my heart ache for them. Some have multiple angel babies! I shouldn't be complaining, but like I said, I deserve to vent. I will be sure to update more often.
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